Let me introduce myself. Should I introduce myself to my own journal? Besides I don’t know how to introduce myself.
Sure, I can give you my name, age, where I live or what my line of work is. However it is just cosmetics. It begs for meaning, personality, uniqueness to distinguish myself from other individuals with the same name, age, place, line of work, hobby, favourite dessert or even boyfriend, whatever.You may think that my facebook or twitter page seamlessly tells my story but mine is just another cosmetics, meaningless rambles. The only conclusion you might get is I’m a discreet and shy person. I used to think that way but is it true? Is me being discreet caused by introvert nature? Or it’s because I barely know myself.
‘Hi. How are you?’ is the most difficult question to answer without resorting to the usual minimalistic answer ‘good’ because I don’t know how I am, how I truly feel about the series of events I’ve been through. I am an almost empty vessel, the only essence left is only capable of doing the most banal operation. Thinking. Doubting.
People who know me may think of me as a quirky girl with shy but easy going personality or maybe as a boring person who is incapable of entertaining small talks. But deep inside, I know the ‘me’ they know is the sum total of different unique personalities I have encountered in my life, through books, blogs or people I meet in coffee shop or on the street. I am susceptible to be infected with accents, habits, opinions, thinking of others and make it as if they are my own as well. Maybe that is why I choose a line of work that allows me to use my ability to inhabit people’s mind and steer them to certain desired outcomes. When I work, I feel excited because finally my vessel is filled but they are just guests that are just passing through. When I don’t work, I am an empty vessel again.
You might think that I need some help. But is there anything to be helped? I am not sure myself. Self-help book has never entertained me. Self-help book’s premise is to heal or improve self but what if you don’t have the self? Nor I have the patience to go to psychologists because I have nothing of essence to tell. I also don’t have the inclination to tell my friends. I once told my friends about my nothingness but they did not quite get it, they offered some consolation that it might be because I was tired and needed some vacations. I don’t know if I am the only person who is contracted with this ‘nothingness’ or maybe it’s because I’m using the language that assumes content.
Maybe I need to find or invent the language of ‘nothingness’. Then the second question… If such language exists, are my friends willing to learn this language? I suspect this requires them to submerge themselves in ‘nothingness’ but isn’t this asking too much? I am not sure if I want to demand that kind of sacrifice. Then the only way left is to find another person who also contracts ‘nothingness’. But is it possible for two nothingness to connect? Is the language necessary? Won’t it be nothing as well?