Monthly Archives: May 2009

Project Mini-Life Bulbs: 05-31-09: ‘miracles’ on the street

Today, I am being shaken again. I almost believe that this world’s injustice, corrupt, selfish, and cruel. I convinced myself that the city where I live was a horrible jungle: we had to look after ourselves and trusted nobody, save ourselves from the fall and the unnecessary pain.

However, I just witnessed the opposite of it. Two men gave up her seat for a woman carrying her child and an old lady in the bus. A woman swished her fan for another woman’s baby although they didn’t know each other before while queuing on this very sunny day. These were the unpredictable moments that left me wonder: is it too early to judge this world in such pessimistic way?

Maybe there’s still hope. At least, I want to believe in these ‘miracles’. Perhaps turning this world into a state close to utopia, is not an impossible task. Good virtue lays there deep inside, maybe we just need to raise it. Reverse the Apocalypse.

image, courtesy of:


Project Mini-Life Bulbs: 05-30-09: “open the box”

image, courtesy of

In Greek mythology, the Pandora’s box marked the end of The Golden Age of mankind. Pandora, out of curiosity, opened the box filled with evils by the gods. Since then hatred and jealousy and greed, and all the other cruel things have been laid in human’s heart. However, despite the “disaster” it brought, there was one thing deep inside that box, that should be the basic foundation, the spirit of life itself: HOPE.

Have you ever experienced that your faith is shaken by the books you read, the chat with your fellow, the movies you watch, or the scene you encounter? Then you begin to question your “happy-go-lucky” life or all the things you believe in? The more you think about it, the more you feel that you’ve fooled yourself.

I say that it is a blessing if you ever experience one. There is nothing certain in life, as well as what we perceive as the truth. Society may give us the guidelines about it but can you guarantee that it is the real truth? I’ve been shaken. I wake up every day questioning who I am, why I should do this and that. At first, I wished that I never knew any of this thing. Maybe my life would be smooth-sailing sea if I never experienced this “enlightenment”.

After going to my private land, isolating myself and reflecting on my life, I realized that this was the best thing that ever happened to me. Before this, deep inside, I felt that my life was vain. I did things but I didn’t know why. I still haven’t found the ‘true’ meaning of my life but I think that I am one step ahead than what I used to. Hope it is, to live life to the fullest.

I am always interested to the topics about the core of life, what the nature of mankind is, why some people value their faith more than their life, why people fall in love, why we feel that we ought to help others, political movement, etc. Humanity phenomenon fascinates me the most. There is so much mystery that we can’t fully comprehend. The closest we can get is trying to explain it through our point of view.

Exchanging our point of view with others can broaden our perspective and draw us closer to the key to unlock the mystery. Nowadays, we are provided with many channels to connect with other people. Books, TV, cellphone, internet, you name it. Consider them to be, not only the source of entertainment, but also the opportunity to ‘expand’ yourself.

“something’s there for a reason, even we cannot comprehend it at the first glance
useless is when we try to squeeze the universe in a little box called stupidity.”

Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they’re perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you’re away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, ‘come down now,’ they’ll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
‘come down now,’ but we’ll stay…

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

Survival Guide 001

Starting today, I will try to put down what I consider a guide to survive in this jungle (Jakarta). Three digits, because I suspect that there will be 999, at least.

Survival Guide 001

There is no such thing as ‘laki-laki baik-baik’ (LLBB). If you put this LLBB on your dating criteria, please do reconsider. If you think that you find one, please stay alert. It’s either he’s “a wolf in sheep’s clothing”, mama’s little boy, or he’s just simply not into you (perhaps you’re not his sexual preference).

Note: I’m not saying this to turn you into a skeptical one, but just be careful with your own expectation. Save yourself from unnecessary pain!

Project Mini-Life Bulbs: 05-29-09: eclipse

walking in the desert, she found a moving-tusk
when she sat, she saw a yellow rabbit offering a tanning lotion.
then she heard a voice behind her ears: “be a wanderer even if your body is unable to move.”

she said to herself, “things are meant to happen in the eclipse.”

Project Mini-Life Bulbs: 05-28-09: today

today I’m learning that…

a considerable crazy person is truly the visionary one.
hence, being crazy is liberating.

destiny maybe preordained, but I want to believe that destiny still provides me with choices, although it may not be A-Z.

hence, being crazy is liberating.

an opportunity has to be created rather than waited for.

men do gossip, they just don’t talk about make up and the barbie stuff.
nothing’s new, it just confirms my hypothesis.

being cute doesn’t necessarily dumb, you can be smart and cute.
in that case, please keep your senses alert, you never really know a person in just one day, it takes times.

kids are not that annoying, at least one of them is cute and so adorable.

relationship has to be built on trust rather than fear of losing.

a chat can be eye-opening, even with an acquaintance.

one can negotiate with a terrorist, but not with a PMS woman.

what you wear can get you the ring, not necessarily an engagement ring.
a ring can have meaning in diverse way. please don’t get stuck in your assumption.
you can take a generic tablet, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be generic.

a lot of things can happen in one day in an unexpected way,
I call it, “the art of life”

this poem of mine is more literal than usual, and that is my liberty to do so.

image, courtesy of:


“The story didn’t match the line,” she said to herself. “Something must have been wrong in the way,” she struggled to explain to herself. She always sits in front of her computer the whole day, watching news online. She compiles all the news and she loves analyzing the pattern. She has noted 5 patterns in her archive: death, slaughter, rape, poverty, and injustice. These are normal stuffs happening in the world, according to her. For her, these are the only solely truth. “This can’t be right,” she glared at her screen.

She was restless and frustrated. For the first time, she couldn’t explain what happened. She felt like her wrists were cut slowly to cease the pain. She felt that she was disconnected. She couldn’t bear the fact that she might be wrong all this time. “This world has to be garbage bin and nothing else.”

Obsessed, she dressed up and combed her hair. She noticed her reddish eyes and skin. She stared at herself in the mirror. “Who am I?”, she touched her face. She saw her mother there, unsatisfaction. She traveled back to her childhood, when she was barely 8. Her mother asked to her father, “am I still beautiful?” Her father just sat silently in his favorite couch, kept staring at the wall, humming “silent night”. Her mother asked again, “am I still beautiful?” Still, no answer. Silence in the room, she bore it all quietly. “Am I still beautiful?”, she said to the other her. Silence was the answer, she thought.

“I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I’m permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you”

(Bruises by Chairlift)

Feeling sick of herself, she walked again to her computer. She sat there again, tears in her eyes was forever gone. She couldn’t cry, she remained in silence, no burst of emotion. Flatliner.

“Today, all people say thank you and forgive each other. God’s kingdom is already here.”

tentang kehilangan

pembicaraan tentang kehilangan di penghujung malam yang sungguh tidak sepi, dari sepasang kakak-beradik yang suka membobol malam.

“tangisi bukan yang sudah hilang tapi yang akan hilang” (my brother, 5/27/09)

“bukan kehilangan orang yang harus kamu tangisi, tapi kehilangan diri yang harus kamu tangisi” (me, 5/27/09)

courtesy of


The day was passing
They walked
They smiled
They talked
They offered me their bubbles

I nodded
I cherished
But I still am a silencio sonata

Loving to play with a distorted tune
Off-beat and wild
No restrain

courtesy of

Project Mini-Life Bulbs: 05-27-09: silencio

"Barangkali hidup adalah doa yang panjang, dan sunyi adalah minuman keras"

Sejak SMA, saya tertarik dengan dunia sastra, termasuk puisi. Buat teman saya, puisi itu cuma buat orang pesimis, tapi buat saya, puisi itu indah dan menawarkan pengalaman yang membuat saya optimis. Ada kegilaan yang menawan di sana. Sebuah kebebasan ekspresi. Tanpa harus memaksa diri menjelaskan maksudnya secara gamblang, tanpa harus memaksa orang lain menginterpretasikannya dalam satu pengertian. Bukan basa basi, tapi refleksi mendalam yang bebas.

Hal yang justru sulit saya dapatkan ketika saya lahir sebagai manusia yang harus bermasyarakat untuk memenuhi takdirnya sebagai manusia. Dalam satu sisi, hubungan dengan manusia lain itu punya dinamika yang mewarnai hidup, fisik, emosi, jiwa, petualangan. Tapi di sisi yang lain juga “menawan” sebagian kebebasan, dimana saya harus berperilaku agar tidak menyakiti atau merugikan orang di sekitar saya, terutama orang-orang yang saya sayangi. Bukan keterpaksaan, tapi memang saya dengan sadar memilih untuk menjadi demikian. Menyakiti orang yang saya sayangi pada akhirnya membuat saya menyalahkan diri. Menyalahkan diri, bagi saya, merupakan momen dimana saya dengan sadar mendegradasi diri saya (menghukum diri). Polisi bisa dihindari, tapi lari dari diri sendiri? Untuk itu, mungkin saya harus merusak frontal cortex saya sehingga fungsi penilaian moral saya rusak.

Puisi “menjanjikan” dunia yang berbeda untuk saya. Kebebasan dan pengalaman yang membuat saya tergila-gila di dalamnya. Selain itu, puisi dapat membuat saya merasa berhubungan dengan orang-orang yang belum pernah saya temui, dan herannya tanpa kepura-puraan, tanpa kekangan. Jadi puisi membuat saya bebas tapi tidak “menghilangkan takdir” saya sebagai manusia. Kami saling berbagi lewat puisi, kami saling “menularkan” ide-ide refleksi kami, dan membuat pikiran serta kesadaran kami “berevolusi”.

Pagi ini, saya membuka buku puisi lagi, “Hujan Bulan Juni”, kumpulan puisi Sapardi Djoko Damono. Halaman pertama, “Pada Suatu Malam”. Puisi ini ditulis pada tahun 1964 tapi buat saya, puisi ini hidup selamanya. Saya, hidup di tahun 2009, merasa terhubung dengan “ia” dalam puisi ini. Pencarian arti hidup dalam kesunyian, kerinduan akan memahami awal serta memahami akhir, pengharapan di antara hal-hal dalam hidup yang membuat ragu akan makna kehidupan itu sendiri.

“selamat malam, ia mengangguk, entah kepada siapa;
barangkali kepada dirinya sendiri. barangkali hidup adalah
doa yang panjang, dan sunyi adalah minuman keras.
ia merasa tuhan sedang memandangnya dengan curiga;
ia pun bergegas.
barangkali hidup adalah doa yang …
barangkali sunyi adalah …
barangkali tuhan sedang menyaksikannya berjalan ke barat.”

(cuplikan bait terakhir “Pada Suatu Malam”, Sapardi Djoko Damono, 1964)

Barangkali hidup adalah doa yang panjang, dan sunyi adalah minuman keras. Mungkin saya baru bisa menemukan apa arti saya di dunia ini, apa makna hidup saya ketika hidup saya di dunia ini berakhir. Mungkin selama itu, saya tidak akan bisa lepas dari sunyi yang memabukkan, menimbulkan perih namun masih bisa membuat saya tersenyum dengan imaji-imaji yang saya punyai dengan diri saya sendiri. Dalam kebarangkalian ini, saya harus memelihara rasa percaya karena saya tidak ingin nantinya pada saat saya meninggalkan dunia ini, saya menemukan hidup saya penuh kesia-siaan. Yang bisa saya lakukan adalah merefleksikan hidup saya setiap malam sebelum saya mengakhiri hari. Miniatur kehidupan: awal kehidupan dan akhir kehidupan dari hal yang paling kecil, yaitu ketika saya “bangun” sampai saya “terlelap”. Saya akan merekamnya dalam media yang telah membuat saya jatuh cinta dalam kebebasannya: puisi. Saya namakan resolusi ini Project Mini-Life Bulbs.

courtesy of

Tagged ,