solitude


image, courtesy of Villi.Ingi


As a melancholic person, I have an intense emotion especially regarding sadness, loneliness, heartbreak, anger, disappointment, etc. Some might say that I have a low level of happiness meter. Unconsciously, I prefer what people call as negative emotion. My whole sense of self seems to correspond marvelously in these emotions. When I am sad or heartbroken, it is easier for me to express myself in creative way, such as poetry, any kind of writing, drawing, etc. Therefore I do see that these emotions are not my weakness. They give me strength in some way. Somehow I’m able to connect to events in life that don’t always go with happy ending. As Frankie (Brad Pitt) said in “Devil’s Own”, “Don’t look for a happy ending. It’s not an American story. It’s an Irish one.” Life is not always fair. What you give is not always what you get.

However, as a part of society that’s spoiled by the advance in technology, I tend to search for quick solution, quick relief to any pain I experience. When I come down with flu, I rush into doctor’s office, asking for antibiotic prescription, though I know that my body has immune system that slowly deteriorates because of massive antibiotics intake. Chap chap. That goes with anything too. When I was feeling blue, I wanted my friends to ease that feeling for me. I called my best friend and asked for immediate advice. When he suggested me to do something, I did it right away without realizing this behavior could cause turmoil in our relationship.

I became a dependent-freak. I felt I didn’t know what to do and didn’t have courage to do anything without his approval. Not only I became what I feared the most, I unconsciously blamed him for unfortunate results. I resented him in various occasions, argued, and became suspicious of him. It just happened. I couldn’t help it. After a big fight in a matter that’s irrelevant to my previous problem, we didn’t talk for six months, even he said that he didn’t want to know me anymore. He said eventually I would be regret for what I had done. However my outrageous self didn’t want to admit it and denied this on the spot. Of course, I did and here I am, writing of my wrongdoings in the past.

Later on, my ex dropped another big bomb in my face. He had done this millions times right from the start. Headache and any kind of reactions that emulate heart-attack had been casualties but it was different. He was not there. At that time, I didn’t have any friends that I could trust. I was alone. It was strange and uncomfortable, facing myself, relying on myself. I felt pain.

However I recalled what he said, that I should confide in myself more. Yes, indeed, that’s what I was urging myself to do. I learned to shut up, acknowledge the pain, be patient with it, and contemplated with myself. It’s not about suppressing pain but facing it. I learned about the beauty of pain. It was an art, God’s gift to make me richer. Like they said, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Indeed we go to the next level in school of life when we finally find the lesson behind the pain. We are getting wiser by facing our own demon, ourselves, in solitude.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t lock up myself in my rooms with tissues and crazy drawings on the wall. I did hangout with my friends but I just didn’t spill my problems to them. Until I knew whatever it was, I remained silent about it. First, I was saving myself from dependency demon and my friends from being merely ‘keranjang sampah’. Four years and a half in psychology, I know that it’s not always nice to listen to problems on daily basis. It’s exhausting, to be honest. Second, I provided no chance for gossip news stand (wall, sometimes, has ears). Third, I learned to be more independent. At least in a certain problem, I knew myself more. For example, I do know now what I really want in relationship so I won’t get drifted away by my partner. No more crazy bombings in my face.

Well, it doesn’t mean that we cannot ask for advices from our friends. Hm, let us put it this way. Are you familiar with this proverb “Malu bertanya, sesat di jalan.”? If we don’t know your destination, how can people help us?

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